My kids

October 5, 2009

 I have done a lot of stupid things in my life. Some I have regretted and some I have remembered with fond memories. But having my kids is the best thing that happened to me.

I had Dylan while I was about to graduate from college. I knew I was pregnant right from the start and I was in denial. I did not think I was ready to become a mother. I was moody and I really felt alone while I was pregnant with my son. Most of my friends were just starting with their careers. I was also so insecure and so alone most of the time. 2 weeks after I gave birth to him, I was already in training for my first job.

The first 2 years were the hardest for me and Dylan. I had to rely on no one but myself . There were a lot of times that I would rather just stay home and take care of him but reality prevailed. There were always bills to pay. His milk and vitamins were expensive. A succession of yayas took care of him til we could no longer find one we could trust to watch over him.

I resigned from my job and for almost 6 months, I was the mommy/yaya/labandera. It would have been okay but financial maters forced me to look for a job since I was not comfortable in depending on someone else to provide for our needs.

Dion was a different story. If I was in denial with Dylan, I was more so with Dion’s case. I was already 3 months when my obgyne confirmed I was pregnant. I had to resign from a well paying job so I could carry Dion to full term.

I may have some reservations having them but I never regretted tha I chose to have them. Probably that is also the reason why I always forgive their dad for all his sins. Despite what we are going through right now, I know both love the kids very much and we will never decide on something that will unintentionally hurt them.

If it were not for Dylan and Dion, I do not think I would have last this long.

 Muhm and Dylan

 Dion at 3 months

 Dylan and Dion taken 2 years ago during Dion’s 3rd bday in Marco Hotel

blogs, blogs, blogs

October 4, 2009

Eversince I was a little girl, books have been a major part in my life. I am so into books and writing as well. I have been a columnist in our school paper in high school and I have often fantasized being a best seller author. In fact, I have a lot of half finished manuscripts of my so called masterpieces. hehe.

With all the problems I have encountered lately, I noticed that writing for this blog is somewhat therapeutic to me. Once I was able to put my thoughts into words everything seems okay in my world. This has also become my perfect avenue for releasing my angst and anguish instead of lashing it out on anyone.

However, I am having a lot of birthing pains with this blog since I am really new to this. The ideas I have conceptualized are quite out of the extraordinary but I just don’t know how to execute it. As a call center supervisor of an IT company, this should have been a breeze to me. But I was dead wrong. I easily get frustrated when things doesn’t turn out the way it should have been. And I am too lazy to read instructions. I’d rather do the shot gun approach.

For instance, I tried editing my post regarding my 8 favorite songs but no matter what I do, some of the lyrics will have a white mark on it making it uneven. Any ideas on how to make the white marks disappear?

Also, how can I make this blog more attractive? Fellow bloggers, I need help.

regrets

It’s hard to move on when you see the person every day. Had there been no kids involved, I think my moving on would have gone smoothly. As it is I am constantly thrown in his company and sometimes I find it hard to remember that we are no longer a “couple”. I tend to forget why I broke up with him in the first place..

This was not the first time that he did this to me but I really wanted everything to work out fine between us. I was always free with the chances I have given him but I have reached the limit. Despite the betrayal, I was so desperate to believe the lies he told me but I held back. My intuition, which was rarely wrong, told me not to believe him this time.  I was right but it did not lessen the pain I felt. My heart broke into a million pieces and I know that even time can’t make it whole again.

Love really takes time to heal specially when you are hurting so much. Obviously I am not yet okay and I am only kidding myself if I say that I am halfway there. I am not and I don’t think I will be in a long time. 

Some days are just really bad and this is one of those days. I am a sane rational woman and look what i am reduced to? I have been hurt badly and my self esteem is at its lowest point.

To you: May you rue the day when you took my love for granted. I gave you everything and you gave me lies and heart break in return. You have no remorse and I honestly believe that my feelings never mattered to you. One day, you will reget what you have given up for your meaningless interludes. I was not the only one you hurt. You know that. One day soon, you will no longer have the power to hurt me.

 

Untitled

October 3, 2009

It’s midnight. been staring for hours

life spent with you kept flashing on my mind

as tears roll down my eyes

a million regrets is what I find

how can you live with all your lies?

how can you undo the damage you’ve done to my heart?

how can you bridge the gap that’s tearing us apart?

how can you stop the pain that’s bottled inside?

I loved. I hurt. I cried. I died.

it’s easy to pretend that it’s all just a game.

but hurting me this way is really lame.

I prayed that this is just a stage I have to go through

I really don’t think I’m strong enough to resist you

when can I really move on?

when my heart is still with you?

Office issues resolved

October 1, 2009

I started with my new team officially last night. I’m glad. I was more than ready to hand in my resignation had my issues been ignored. They said there was a major miscommunication on their end and I believe I have been more than gracious in letting it all slide.

 I’m excited and frankly I can’t wait to start with my new team. My self confidence has been badly shattered with all the recent developments in my life but Gra is back and with a vengeance. Being betrayed by someone has always been tasteless and I tried not to dwell too much on it. Those people cease to matter to me the moment they betrayed me.

Although issues in the office have been resolved, I am still contemplating if it is indeed time for me to move on. Save for a few colleagues who became dear to me, I honestly think that I have outgrown everybody in the office. Sometimes I feel so ancient compared to my officemates. I don’t think I am really that mature thinking. I’d rather believe that there was a delay in their maturity. lol.

I always thought I looked approachable but apparently not. Back in the office, I have developed a “snob” persona which is so totally unlike my true character. But I don’t mind since it discourages the superficials from knowing me.

One more thing, this incident in the office has reinforced my belief that the Big Boss is really fair despite his aloof  image. I don’t mind working for a slave driver as long as he walks the talk.